God is Waiting...on Me? Really?

A few weeks ago, I heard Beth Moore say “God is waiting on you.” I heard my pastor say it again today. So what if God is ready to move or do something big, but He is waiting on me? I liked that idea at first. I think I liked it because it made it MY fault that God had not answered my prayers, but now I think that is wrong thinking. It places God’s control and sovereignty back onto me. I don’t have control. I’m obviously not sovereign. God has control. God is sovereign. But I also often hear myself saying, “I must be patient for God’s timing” but when God is ready, I usually blow it because I’m not ready.  

Many of the sermons I have been listening to lately are a lot of “when God is ready to do something, He does it, and He does it swiftly.”

I thought of a few examples from the Bible of God preparing for a long time, and then producing His results quickly.

When he tells a king to conquer a nation, they do it swiftly (but we don’t see the years of service and preparation that goes on prior to the war).

When Moses complained about doing God’s work, He basically told Moses “Too bad, I’m ready. Do it anyway. I’ll let Aaron help, just to get you motivated.”

Noah had to prepare about 120 years for the flood, but when the flood came, it only rained for 40 days.

It took thousands of years before Jesus came, and then he was in the flesh for less than 40 years. His ministry only lasted 3 years and it changed the course of history. The death, burial and resurrection was a three day event.

It took a lifetime to prepare Moses, and then 8 days/plagues to convince the pharaoh to let them go. They would have been almost immediately in the Promised Land if they had trusted God.

When Nehemiah began to feel a calling to help in Jerusalem, he fasted and prayed for 4 months before Nehemiah had an opportunity to tell the King. When the door was opened to him, Nehemiah was ready and prepared regarding what to ask and within a month was on his way to Jerusalem (with the protection of the King and the provision of the King).

I have been trying to formulate a question in my head from all this information that God has been speaking to me about. Missy shared a verse on our facebook page: A harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. So I asked myself, “If a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace, are we in a season of making peace? Are we in a season of sowing peace? Are we in a season of harvesting righteousness? What does peace look like? Calm, steady, loving, patient, slow pouring, below the speed limit, taking our time. What does a harvest look like? Hard work, get it done, go quickly so there is no spoils, leave the outer edge of the harvest for the poor and needy, provision, wealth. So, which season is Legacy in?

I am personally desperate for peace. I feel tired of the hard work, the going quickly, the late nights, the fasting for guidance, the searching for answers. I was really hoping this year was going to be our season of making peace and sowing into our teachers and students. But I don’t know if a school can ever truly have a season of sowing such as that. It was what I keep reaching for and God keeps slapping my hand back.

So God still has us in a season of harvesting. We are pulling the weeds and chaffing the wheat. There will not be a winter season for us yet and I believe all I keep hearing from God is more, more, more. More students, more families, more teachers, more issues, more brokenness; more lives changed, more salvations experienced, more discipleship conducted, more healing of hearts.

So I say, “Okay.” I am tired. Really, really tired, but that is the place I am supposed to be at, right? So that God is glorified? I really need You to do more if You keep turning things upside down. I mean, I am sure You are doing just what needs to be done, but I need stability God. Not a golden calf. And not forever. 

July 24

So, I decided I am going to write again. I think much of it is due to the God Stories that my church has been promoting. I like God and I like stories and I like chronicling about both. 

I have been rather 'blue' lately. It is due to being on vacation with no extra cash to go do anything. The family is pretty much just hanging out. I am cleaning out drawers and closets. The kids are bored except for the occasional sleep over.

Today's recent development: Levi's hives have returned. I used to think it was a combination of seasonal allergies and certain foods high in 'pollen proteins'. It still may be some of that but I have almost persuaded myself that it is due only to the season. Some people just break out in hives from mid-July until "the first freeze". Unfortunately, benedryl is not really working. I found on the website that I can combine it with singular. I am planning on taking him to a doctor but I am not too confident in doctors really.

Well, that's all for now. I need to get ready for bed.

Malachi 3

Malachi 3:6 is rather familiar to most of us.

“’…you have turned from my statues and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you,’ says the Lord of hosts.

But [the Israelites] say ‘How shall we return?’ [answer: by giving the full tithe]

‘Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me.’

[The Israelites] say, ‘How have we robbed you?’

‘In your tithes and offerings; you are cursed with a curse, for you are robbing me, the whole nation of you. Bring the full tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test,’ says the Lord of hosts. ‘If I will not open the windows for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need. I will rebuke the devourer so that it will not destroy the fruits of your soil, and your vine in the field shall not fail to beat,’ says the Lord of hosts. ‘Then all nations will call you blessed, for you will be a land of delight,’ says the Lord of hosts.

‘Your words have been hard against me,’ says the Lord.

But [the Israelites] say, ‘How have we spoken against you?’

You [the Israelites] have said, ‘It is vain to serve God. What is the profit of our keeping his charge (aka ruling, law, or decree) or walking as in mourning before the Lord of hosts? And now we call the arrogant blessed. Evildoers not only prosper buy they put God to the test and they escape.’”

Then those who feared the Lord spoke with one another. The Lord paid attention and heard them, and a book of remembrance was written before him of those who feared the Lord and esteemed his name.

“’They shall be mine’, says the Lord of hosts, ’in the day when I make up my treasured possession, and I will spare them as a man spares his son who serves him. Then once more you shall see the distinction between the righteous and the wicked, between one who serves God and one who does not serve him.’”

“How have we robbed you?” Answer: In your tithes and contributions. Further on God says, “…bring your full tithes…” As an educator, this is referred to as an inference. I would venture to say that the Israelites were paying something to God, but not the full 10%. Some pastors preach; if you are scared, start giving 1% or even $10.00 because God says “test me”. I totally disagree. If that is what God would want said, that is what Malachi would have been written. Instead, He requires of us to pay the FULL tithe in order to “test” Him.

What are you scared of? That the God who parted a sea doesn’t want to pay your electric bill? Are you afraid that you will not have enough self-control to stop eating out? And if you doubt your ability to have self control then you doubt God’s ability to change your character; because you cannot change your character unless you practice the new characteristic.

I believe that many of you are not living in the protection and “hedge” of God because you pay 5 or 6% of your net income but I also believe that many of you do not know that you are not giving the FULL tithe. Did you know that your income is your gross amount, not the net? Your first fruits are not a percentage of what you have left after taxes, insurance, social security, and 401K? If you give 10% AFTER those things, then it wasn’t the first. (Any questions about how God feels about giving leftovers, you may refer to the story of Cain and Abel in Genesis).

When pastors preach these verses, they normally stop where it encourages us about how all our needs will be filled – “pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need.” But that is not why I tithe. I tithe for God’s protection and for what he promised me in the verses after that.

Faith comes in the midst of fear. Courage is being afraid, but doing it anyway. You say you need the 2% out of the 10% because you need to buy food and keep the lights on. Many of you say you would go to jail for the cause of Christ. You say you would die in the midst of persecution. I am asking you to be hungry and in the dark instead of being “cursed with a curse” (verse 9). I would rather eat ramen noodles for a week, then to remove His protection from me and my family.

When we tithe God promised four things. The first is understood: “no more need.” I have only once ever heard the second, third, and fourth discussed: protection, fruit, and joy.

Protection v. 11: “I will rebuke the devourer so that it will not destroy the fruit of your soil”

God will “keep back the bugs” and protect my hard work from natural disasters!

Fruit v. 11: “Your vine in the field shall not fail to bear.”

Anything I plant, any word of encouragement or thank you note I write, any verse I memorize or meal I share, any “thing” I plant, will bring forth fruit. Wow! What a promise! Whether my days work is emptying the dishwasher for my family or sharing the gospel with my neighbor or sending an email out marketing CLPS, it “shall not fail to bear” fruit!

Joy v. 12: “All the nations will call you blessed, for you will be a land of delight.”

When I tithe, God says that he will protect me. This brings me joy, peace, and delight! It instills in me personality traits as a joyful, positive person. Someone others want to be around and, hopefully, imitate.

So when you bring the FULL ten percent to your church body, you will have “no more need,” your work will be protected, you work will not fail to bear fruit, and you will be delighted!
What of those who do not bring the FULL tithe? What is God’s point of view? Verse 14 spotlights how God feels about not returning to Him part of what is rightfully his anyway. He says that you are saying, “It is vain to serve God.”

Ouch. See, I don’t think you think this way. I don’t think any of you withhold from God his money because you believe it is useless to serve God. But I also don’t think that very many of you understand that this is what God thinks. Our thoughts are not his thoughts, nor are our ways his ways. So it doesn’t matter what we think, all that matters is what God thinks and how we will respond to what God thinks. Your actions, rather your lack of actions, say to the Lord of hosts, “I will not give a full 10% because it is useless and won’t affect God or the kingdom of God.”

Therefore, without the full tithe, our needs are not provided, we are left unprotected, our work may or may not bear fruit, and we will feel stressed and disgruntled.

God also says you question his purpose. Verse 14 has the non-tithing Israelites asking “What does it profit of our keeping his charge or of walking as in mourning before the Lord of hosts?” In other words, “I have kept you commandments in many ways: I have worshipped you in front of others, I have prayed to you in my closet, and yet, it is vain. My prayers don’t go beyond my roof. They hardly ever get answered, so why should I trust you with this one.” Matthew Henry calls those who think this way as “impudent blasphemous talk of the sinners in Zion” and that there was probably a “club of them that were in league against religion.”

The blasphemers continue to justify their sin. “The arrogant are so blessed and they don’t worship you. See, obeying God’s laws do not always bring about what He says. If it did, then the evildoers and the wicked would cease to profit because they “tempt God by their presumptuous sins” (Henry).

Verse 16 has part of the church getting together and saying, “Man, we’ve got to get it together or else we will be lumped in with those fools!” These individuals repented and began to follow the charges that God had previously set forth (and recently reminded them of) and gave them ANOTHER promise:

a book of remembrance was written before him of those who feared the Lord and esteemed his name.

“’They shall be mine’, says the Lord of hosts, ’in the day when I make up my treasured possession, and I will spare them as a man spares his son who serves him. Then once more you shall see the distinction between the righteous and the wicked, between one who serves God and one who does not serve him.’”

I am not imploring you to tithe to my church because it is behind on its budget or wants to buy land and build a building. I personally am not so much concerned with that. I am more concerned about my friends who are sitting near and around me and are blaspheming the one who hung on the Cross. I am concerned for those who are giving less than God’s first fruits, less than 10%. Who are choosing Outback Steakhouse over His righteous protection and are choosing fear and suspicion towards God’s character over peace, fruit, and joy.

I have tithed since my first job at Taco Bueno on Jacksboro Hwy. I clearly remember the first time I gave my offering. It was more than a tithe; more than the 10%. It was $100. And when the church treasurer approached me to ask, “are you sure you want to give this?” I was completely taken aback. I know he was just looking out for me, but I was offended that he would ask me to take back my blessing and protection.

Now, here is our transparency: Jack and I have always tithed, but we did not always tithe off the gross. And we did not tithe off the gross because no one showed us God’s word about it. It fact, I don’t think it was ever revealed to us through a sermon or a book. And, for me, it never crossed my mind, but God was working and convicting Jack about it. So the more we prayed and researched the scriptures concerning it, the more we understood what God was calling us to do. As school teachers, about ¼ of our monthly income is removed before the net profit. We lived off of 75% of the initial salary and gave 10% from this. We realized we were robbing God the 10% of the other 25%. That’s rather significant (both in the robbing of God and in our tight budget). But we obeyed. And I believe we see the fruits everyday.

To me, tithing is such a small and insignificant way to say “Thank You Jesus for dying for my sins.” If I cannot do anything else right, I can do this one thing and write a check every month on behalf of God’s kingdom.

I implore you! Give to the kingdom of God and let Him remove the pestilence and plagues that are in your life. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and write the FULL tithe. God believes you can do it. If He didn’t think you could, He would not have asked you to.

I don't have a good title

I spend more time thinking about what to put in the title than I do actually writing!

I had "the" meeting today. It went well. Unfortunately, I still ended up crying. But, in official Belinda fashion, I cried after all the hard feeling were discussed. More unfortunately, due to my stress, I was not able to hold off crying alone, but right there in her arms! (Who needs pride! Not me!) She was very comforting and sweet. We immediately got everything squared away and had lunch together.

The rest of the day was so surprising! I am really amazed out the families I will be ministering with. They are incredible! And, I also met another sister in Christ who interviewed to work at CLPS North. She is so sharp and so on fire for the Lord. I really hope she feels the same peace I do about her.

Good night! And THANK YOU PRAYER WARRIORS!

Hard Work, Compromise, and Regress

A group of parents plus my father-in-law worked hard yesterday getting classrooms and office area ready. Many were there for eight hours hanging shelves for NWBC's use, cleaning their whiteboards, hanging white boards, etc. We respected their No food and drink signs and we vacuumed and took out the trash. (Taking out the trash was not easy because they did not have a dumpster. Thank you Mr. Hohler for taking it home with you!)

I praise God for the hard work and diligence and their dedication to essentially starting a new school!

Today I received a call from the Children's Director saying we need to remove the white board from room number 4, and the only cabinet (that holds our curriculum) from room number 4. Plus all the curriculum I put in the office area. She was also not happy that we organized and cleaned her office.

I asked, "so you can't use a white board in your sunday school class?" She said, "No we cannot."

She also said the cabinet was in her way. It is where they have children's story time.

I really felt we were very respectful. I did not expect this phone call. And I am heartbroken.

God, give me patience and understanding! I pray that you will help me to love her and that I can go above and beyond for her and Northwest Bible Church.

Or, provide us with a different place.

Mostly about my friends

The battle I was thinking about was Joshua. He started with 22,000 then went to 10,000 then went to 300. They went to war with a bugle in one had and some sort of empty jar that held a torch in the other hand. God even specifically states that He wants people to know that HE won the battle and not the soldiers...maybe I should learn to play the trumpet...just in case.

Today, I went shopping, leased a copy machine for the new school, left multiple phone messages for people, read with my children, read a book (until I took a nap), jogged for about 35 minutes, and read with my children some more. In between all that I kept lifting up some dear friends of mine in prayer.

The first is my friend, Kelly. She lives in Seattle WA now, but when she lived here she was diagnosed with breast cancer. That was 'eliminated' but then it came back in her lung. It was a miracle that the doctor was able to remove all traces of that but they still had her do another go with chemo. And she was in remission when she moved to Seattle with her newlywedded husband. She has been through so much. It breaks my heart.

I recently found out the cancer has returned in both her lung and her brain. The rumors are that she can no longer walk and doesn't speak well. I say rumors because I have not been able to speak with her and communicate with her at all.

I am not one to ask why. I am more likely to ask why not? But I wonder 'why not me?' Kelly is so vibrant and full of love. She has guided me in so many things and has let me see first hand how to be an independent woman without being a feminazi about it.

I must say that she has been an inspiration to me and I am SO honored that Jesus allowed her to be a part of my life while in Texas. Here, I can ask, "why me?" why did I get the honor of her friendship?

Kelly is someone who starts a conversation with a stranger at Starbucks and within the week you two are best buds meeting up at the Kimbell to discuss art!

When I prayed for her today, I prayed a selfish prayer. I prayed that she would have a healing to live pain free for at least another ten years. Her mother died at a young age from cancer. Her little brother died as a teenager with cancer. I just want her around a little longer. I may never see her again because of the distance between us, but it is important for me to know that she is still befriending those coffee drinkers in some other part of the world!

The other person I am praying for is Christi. She is 26 and has a 5 month old son. Her husband was killed in a car wreck last week. She and I do not formally know each other, but we are part of the same college sorority: Sigma Alpha. She had his funeral today. I just can't imagine.

When I attended another friend's husband's funeral (her name is Denise and her thirty two year old fireman husband died of an anerism), they played a song that I had sang many times before, but it was so meaningful that day. "You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your name, Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be you Glorious name!"

I like My heart will CHOOSE to say. We cannot understand the mind of God. And when life sucks and we want to scream and tear down the curtains, we can do those things but we can also make a choice to not blame God, but to praise him for whatever insane and crazy thing He has in store for us later down the road.

Please join me in prayer for my friends. They need peace that transcends understanding, love unconditional, comfort for their mourning, and maybe an angel won't hurt either.

Textbooks as a tool for Satan

Enrollment is going well. I really was hoping for 50 students. I was going to cap the classes at 10. And I thought that was a low number. We only have 30. It is enough of a reason to open the school, of course. And, like what Pastor Zach said, God asked for our obedience, not our success. And our Lord will be glorified whether we have 10 or 1000.

I think my biggest dissappointment was realizing how low my 6th grade numbers were. I kind of wish I had stopped the grades at 5th. And I am at a loss on how to market sixth grade only.

I am reminded of all the Old Testament battles. There was one where God kept removing half the army until there were only like a couple of thousand. A tiny number to win a glorious victory. Will that be our campus? And what victory are we marching after? Truth. Making sure our children know the ENTIRE story and everyone's perspectives of historical events, or why an author writes certain things, or that a Science book has many theories represented as accurate.

I want the next generation to have information that I never had. My textbooks were so biased and boring. School was an obstacle I had to get through so I could make my parents happy and I could start my life. It wasn't until my master's that I realized how little I knew and how much I wanted to know. And I was SO disgusted by the lies and untruths taught to me in my public school education.

Surprisely, my purpose for sharing this vision, is not a religious one. It is not to directly spread the Gospel of Jesus. My purpose to sharing this mission is to bring families together again. To have time to play ball, go to the park, or hang out and watch a movie with each other. And maybe, by spending time together, they will slow down enough to see they are missing the foundation in their family -- the love of Jesus Christ.

(Hold on, I am about to sound charismatic and conspiracy theoried): Satan has found an outlet to destroy God's first institution, not the relationship between Adam and Eve, but the relationship between Man and God. This outlet is a slow, unconscious, brain washing of the USA through our public schools. It's not the politicians fault, it's not the parent's fault or the teachers or the students. I blame Satan's use of mammom in relation to giant textbook companies and their lobbiests.

I know, I know. The Christian Coalition opened a whole can of worms when they started attending Texas's Textbook Adoption hearings. It was a good effort, but all it did was to eliminate MORE information from our children. I want the children to have ALL the information and have them compare it to Truth (aka The Bible).

Children are very wise when it comes to Truth. Many times they act foolishly, but many times they innately know when something is true. If fact, they get so caught up in truth, like on the playground, that they will tattle on their best friend before they participate in a group lie. Christ said, "Unless you come to me like a little child" We attribute this scripture to believing in Jesus without "thinking". I disagree. I think the children were thinking very clearly. I think Jesus was saying, "The kiddos know who I am. Don't withhold information from them. If they believe in me, I can guide them to know the Truth, and not Satan's lie"

In fact, I would almost venture to say that by not telling our children about the 'bad stuff' or the religions we don't believe in or agree with, then we are saying, "Jesus, I don't trust you. I don't think you can really guide them into your Truth."

Visited NW Bible Service

Today we visited Northwest Bible Church. It was exactly how we expected. Very kind, loving people. The sermon was short because of they celebrated the Lord's Supper and had some very impressive choir songs.

I especially enjoyed the clarinet (I used to play as a child). At the close of the service, we visited with the congregation over fajitas from El Paseo's. They are very much a loving family and Jack and I felt honored to have 'broken bread' with them.

BTW, Dr. Pinto preached Chapter 15 in Romans. Love Romans.

Facing My Fears

Genesis 32:7 In great fear and distress Jacob divided the people who were with him into two groups, and the flocks and herds and camels as well.

So many times a day I am afraid. My heart races. My breathing deepens. My palms sweat. Anything triggers it. Feeling a lack of preparation; overwhelmed by upcoming events; confused by the Why's of life. But my biggest fear is making those decisions and hoping they are for God's will and not my own. Making the right choice, the wise choice.

Today in class we discussed wisdom. My student, Sarah Cruse, said wisdom meant the application of knowledge. Wow. How profound. We read Proverb 4. Proverbs 4 lists out all the things that the application of knowledge does. First it says to get knowledge and getting knowledge means reading the Bible and learning God's character. Once the knowledge is acquired, temptation will come. This is when we have the opportunity excercise wisdom (or apply our new knowledge).

It seems to me, no matter how much I read and learn, it will never be enough. I make choices everyday out of fear and distress because most times the end result of each decision is not clear. But I make them anyway. I know that comfort only brings the same; But this courage can bring glory to His name!

Blogging should be illegal

I just spent two hours on the computer and this is the only thing constructive I have said or done.

BTW, I added a favorite scripture in my header. If only my front yard was so lucky!

My Testimony

Near to Me by Belinda Henson

I have always loved God. I have always been drawn to God and wanted to know about Him. In fact, some of my most vivid childhood memories happened at our local First Methodist Church in Centerville, Iowa.

Driving into Centerville, you may as well have driven into any other Iowa-farming town. Except this one actually had a “mall”. The mall was a grocery store and a Wal-Greens connected by a covered breezeway. In the breezeway were mechanical rides for a nickel and a few gumball machines. I seldom enjoyed these childhood luxuries.

Centerville had its stereotypical town square. The courthouse stood in the center surrounded by the doctor’s office, the Ben Franklin, and an Old Fashion Ice Cream Fountain. First Methodist stood gallantly two blocks west of the courthouse.

Sunday mornings at home were slow and comforting. Sometimes mom and dad would sleep in. Sometimes I would rise to the smell of sizzling bacon and eggs. Dad always read the Sunday Chronicle. My sister always read the funny pages. Sometimes I would catch my daddy reading the funny pages! And, well, I, at the ripe old age of five, dressed myself and trotted off to Sunday school.

I remember the crisp summer Sundays. Mom always sent me off with a white cardigan and a gentle kiss. I remember the peace of those mornings. I never hurried to church. I dawdled as much as I pleased. I had no care or concern in the world. I was five and I walked with God on my way to church. If I wanted to run, I ran. If I wanted to pick flowers, I picked them. I remember it as simple, sweet, and serene; the epitome of peace and comfort.

Then my dad’s work transferred him to a city – Hot Springs, Arkansas – eight hours away from Centerville. Iowa was green with corn and soy plants. Arkansas was hill after hill of pine trees. They blanketed the entire land. You could barely even see the sky anymore.

About thirty thousand folks populated Hot Springs. It was a retirement community and a tourist attraction. And it was dying out. I didn’t live near any churches to walk to. I had to walk a mile and a half just to get to a gas station for treats. And the closest most interesting place to play was a run down trailer park.

By this time I was eight years old. I cried on my first day of third grade. The school was SO big and scary. Eventually I learned about a Wednesday evening children’s church program. A bus picked up all the program kids after school and took us to the church. We ate dinner, played games, and learned the hand bells. I guess I didn’t find what I was looking for there. So I stopped going. My parents didn’t mind because they had to come get me – and they didn’t like to get out very much.

So I didn’t attend church regularly anymore. I filled my days with kick-the-can in the trailer park or playing Barbie’s with my best friend across the street. Sometimes I would stay over at friends’ houses. They all went to churches and, of course, I loved it. I didn’t care if they were Catholic, Protestant, whatever. I got to be with God. It was the only way I knew I could be near to Him. I did not know He was already near to me the whole time. Drawing me near to Him.

One Saturday night I stayed over with my friend Amy. We attended a Baptist church. When I discovered they had a bus that would pick me up AND take me home for church, I was ecstatic! I don’t know how long I attended, but I finally heard the words I had been searching for - Jesus loved me back.

Everyone has sinned and everyone falls short of the glory of God. No one gets to heaven on their own. I am a sinner, and Jesus died to remove MY sins. It wasn’t up to me to get to heaven. When Jesus died and when he rose from the grave, He removed my sins. Gone. Cleansed. Bleached. He was thinking of me when He said, “Father, forgive them.” I found out the Truth -- I killed Him. Thou shalt not murder and my sin murdered Him. This was my sin.
Something inside me pulled at my heart. My hands started sweating. My mouth parched. I couldn’t catch my breath. I didn’t know what to do. So I walked down the aisle to a kind, smiling lady.

She led me to a small white room. It had two gray folding chairs. We sat down. My feet dangled above the waxed linoleum. A florescent light above us flickered. She asked, “Before we pray, is there anything you have done bad that you want to tell me?”

I was horrified at the question. I gently shook my head no. My eight-year-old mind raced with thoughts of moments of kleptomania or rude remarks. I thought of times when I lied or cheated. How could I tell her about those things? She made the mistake of not explaining. She didn’t explain that I could directly tell Jesus about these sins running through my head. And I sure didn’t want her to know about them. We bowed our heads. She prayed something. I did not ask God to forgive me. I did not understand. I did not return to the church.


Seven years later, my family and I were living in Fort Worth, Texas. I met a girl named Marti Glasco. I did not know it then, but she had recently asked Jesus into her heart. She was saved and ready to tell the world!

When I met Marti, I had stopped looking for God. I guess somewhere I figured it wasn’t important to my family. And once we moved to Fort Worth (population of over a million) it was impossible to search for God. Or a church to attend.

Marti gave me a miniature brochure. It basically asked, “If you were to die today, do you know for certain you will go to heaven?”

My answer was simple. No, I did not know for certain. How can you know for certain? So, I asked Marti. But she didn’t know the answer either. She invited me to a Thursday night Bible study. It was in a living room.

That night I sat and listened but I heard nothing. I kept thinking: “I need this. I need Him. I need to be forgiven. I didn’t kill him. He could have saved Himself. I mean, He IS God, right? He had the power to not be brutally murdered and ridiculed, but because He knew He would not be near me unless He did. Wow. Wow. I need this. I need to be forgiven. He loved me SO much that He died for me. He CHOSE to die for me. He died…to be…near me… for…all eternity. Wow.”

I leaned over and whispered in Marti’s ear. “I want what you have. I want to be saved.” She grinned ear to ear.

“Stay here.” She replied. I watched her maneuver through the crowd of teenagers to a girl sitting in the back. Stacy motioned for me to come over. I bumped and hobbled my way through to her. She took my hand and led me to the back porch.

Sitting in lawn chairs, she asked, “What do you want to pray about?”

“I want to be saved.”

“Do you know what that means?”

“Yes. It means I am certain I will spend eternity in heaven with God.” I answered.

“That’s right. Do you want to say it?”

“Say what?”

“The prayer.” She replied softly. “I don’t know how.”

“Then can I say it for you. You can echo the words. Is that okay?”

“Sure.” And then we prayed.

“Dear Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross for Belinda’s sins. Thank you for loving her and drawing her to You. Your word says that if she confesses with her mouth that You are Lord, then she will be saved. Thank you God for saving her and we ask in Jesus name that you will come into her heart and save her from her sins and from hell. We love you. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.”

And my life began. I was fourteen and I was finally near to Him.


Stamped Condemned:
A forgotten building.
Carefully crafted cobwebs in corners
and crooks
and crannies.

Flaking paint on doorways
And wooden window panes;
Mold, deterioration,
A building beyond repair,
Beyond love.

Big box companies bulldoze over them
Instead of fix them.

Please, don’t give up on me.
Don’t demolish me!
Not yet.
Stamped Condemned.


Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8:1-2)


Between the ages of 14 and 21, I went to college, got married, graduated from college, and moved away with my new husband to Amarillo, Texas. During those years, I studied and grew in the Word of God. I ministered and shared God’s love with others. I obeyed God as much as I knew how to.

But once in Amarillo, my emotional health began to decline. I worked hard to graduate cum laude from the University of North Texas and, yet, I could not get hired for anything other than Old Navy.

But, I worked hard at Old Navy, like “working unto the Lord”. My husband also worked hard at his job. He taught school during the day and worked evenings and Sundays at a church as an underpaid Music Minister.

I guess because I was lonely, or maybe life stopped following my predetermined plan, I began to feel condemned. I struggled inwardly with Romans Chapter 8. God’s Word says there is no condemnation for those who abide in the Spirit. I questioned, “If the Spirit has abided in me for the last ten years, then why did I feel condemned? Am I not truly saved? What can this mean? Why do I feel like I need to escape? Why do I want to die? Why do I so genuinely hate myself?”
I would lie for hours prostrate and crying out to God. Evening, morning and noon, I cried out, yet my tears and prayers did not seem to even penetrate the ceiling much less hearken the Almighty’s ears.

But I believed EVERY word of the Bible – not just the parts I liked or the parts I understood. My faith in God’s Word sustained me. My pain showed me God’s Sovereignty. I began to realize God did not owe me an answer to these questions. He did not owe me anything, but rather I owed Him. My payment of sin was death, not life. He gave me life when I did not deserve it. He did not owe me an answer.

So I sought out scripture to hang onto. I relied on stories like Noah. He spent a hundred years building a boat to save a people that had never seen rain. God spoke to Noah only two times and Noah obeyed.

I relied on stories like Moses. Moses wandered for forty years and died, never seeing the promised land. God allowed David’s son to be killed because of David’s sin despite David’s genuine repentance and grief. Paul the apostle was beaten, humiliated, jailed, and killed. John was exiled until death on the Isle of Patmos. Jesus was beaten, stabbed, crucified. Who the hell was I? God owed me nothing.

Yet when I hoped for good, evil came; when I looked for light, then came darkness. Job 30:26


In the middle of all this, I decided I needed more purpose in my life. So Jack and I began a family. We had our first-born son, Ethan, on March 6, 1999. I became more suicidal and distraught. Ten months later, a friend and doctor, diagnosed me as clinically depressed. I began medicinal treatment. For a year and a half, I took an antidepressant that didn’t even work. By this point, I couldn’t remember how I was supposed to feel, so I didn’t know it wasn’t working.
Another friend from church knew a little bit of my situation and knew a lot about anti-psychotic drugs. She worked as a Special Education teacher for the local school district. She inquired about what I took and suggested I get off of it immediately. I went to my doctor and told him what she said. He switched my medicine and, after a week of detox from that drug, I began to feel not so sad.

Christopher was born on September 21, 2001. My new medicine seemed to continue to help but I was still struggling. I was still praying. But this time, my prayers were different. I became content and “okay” that I had no answers. I prepared myself to never hear from God again. It had to be enough that I was obedient with prayer and Bible study without feeling the Spirit’s presence in my life. He owed me nothing. I owed Him everything. I clung to His word and His sovereignty.

I also began praying to be healed knowing that I may never be healed; Knowing that I did not deserve to be healed, but asking all the same.

One Sunday, I woke up, and I knew it was over. It was January 2002. I knew. I knew. I knew. I woke up and decided to walk to the front of the church for prayer and to thank God for healing me.

Walking to the front of the church was not a small decision. Trinity Baptist had a large membership. The sanctuary had a balcony. This is where Jack and I sat. Trinity Baptist also never had people come to the front to pray. It was not characteristic to the Church. The idea of walking alone from the balcony down the stairs up the aisle to the front for me to bow my knee on the steps in front of the entire congregation and next to my pastor was huge. But I committed to Jesus I would do it before I even left for church that day.

I don’t remember the sermon. I prayed for strength to walk forward the whole time. Then the invitation came. The invitation when no one ever comes forward. The invitation that is always empty. The invitation, that this time, filled up with people. One, then two, then six, then twelve…more and more people kept walking and bowing. I panicked. I did not want to go. I did not want to go because so many others were going. I knew God could hear me from my seat in the balcony, and began to reason my way out of it. You see, I don’t like to do things just because other people do it. I did not want to be considered a follower. But then I remembered that I promised I would go. So, I obeyed.

The next thing I remember; I was weeping at the steps.

Pastor Dave spent the next 26 weeks teaching Romans 6 through 8 calling the series “The Security of the Believer”. I came to understand some basic theology. Most theologians believed that two things must occur for salvation: faith in Christ and forgiveness of sins. Some theologians believe these occur at the same time. Others believe it can occur separately. I don’t know which is true, or if it even matters. But for me, I came to an understanding. When I was fourteen, I came to faith in Christ. When I was twenty-seven, I was finally able to lay my pride down and be forgiven.

It’s a journey. A pilgrim’s progress. A disciple’s training. A lifelong apprenticeship.

Since then, God has used me in ways unimaginable. Twice I have been to Ireland to proclaim God’s word. I have completed my Masters in Education and ministered to inner city children for two years. Today, I disciple young Christians at a private school teaching them to go out and share the Good News and home school Ethan and Chris. And we just had a new baby girl, Anna Marie, born August 12, 2005.

It has been almost three years since I added to my testimony.

Recent Email

I received a forward today that had this paragraph in it:

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

I am planning to see if I can find some documented research about it.

Wednesday

Wednesdays are appropriately named 'humpday'. I roll out of bed, usually already late and behind schedule. School never gets started by 8:30 am on Wednesday: nine is more like it. It seems all day we push and pull and pull and push up the hill of 'wednesday'. And then, we reach the end of school: It's 4 o'clock. The rest of the day spins down hill so fast, I never get everything done!

This is my first posting on blogger.com. I am very excited about how easy it is already!